Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Missing the Holidays

This week is Thanksgiving. I have been to the store, purchased my turkey and all the fixin's. We are going to have a spread to rival the best. We are going to have dinner with friends and enjoy the holiday. Well, enjoy it the best we can. This Thanksgiving, like so many other holidays and important dates, there will be an empty chair at the table. My husband, the most important person in my life, isnt going to be here. He will be having his turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce almost ten thousand miles away. This is unfortunately the life so many people lead. It is difficult to get excited for the holidays like I used to. Even with the kids, they dont mean nearly as much to me as they did when I got to spend every one with my husband.
I keep trying to write this. I have been for three entire days. But I just cant seem to get the words out before I break down in tears. I wanted it to be an eloquent article. Something worth reading, inspirational to someone, but I just cant make that happen this time.
I cant believe I am still getting so upset when I have been dealing with this for as long as I have. Despite the four years my husband has been in the army and despite this being his second deployment, I still cant get over it. I still cant explain it to my kids when they are hurting because Daddy is missing their birthdays, missing Halloween and wont see them in their costumes or take them trick or treating, they want to know what there is to be thankful for when their dad cant be here for Thanksgiving. I have to explain to them and I just dont know how. They dont realize Daddy is going to miss Christmas (very likely this year) Nothing makes sense to them. They dont care if there is a war going on that he must be there for, they just want their father home.
To be honest, I cant blame them. All i want is to wake up with my husband everyday. Not just holidays. but I love how he hugs and kisses me and tells me how good everything smells that I am cooking. I love the smiles we share and the moments alone we sneak on plain old regular days.
When he misses the holidays though, it hits a bit harder. When the kids were smaller they didnt seem to notice until the day of. Now they know and look forward to it and remind me all the time that daddy isnt going to be here. So again I have to suck it up and put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Ugh sometimes I hate having to be strong

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